I think my vagina is haunted
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
