420 ftw
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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