I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
