I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
