he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
