I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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