I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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