so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
