I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
