Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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