fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
