I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
