Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
