Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
