walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
