Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
