you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
