i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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