Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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