She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
