Little spoons don't ask big questions
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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