my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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