I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
