dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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