Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
