When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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