I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
