o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
