He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
