I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
