I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
