Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just pynch a tree in the face
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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