the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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