I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
