i just wanna soil my oats bro
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
