and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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