My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
