I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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