Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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