Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
