My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
