Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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