Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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