I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
