Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
