the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
