it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i drank out of a bidet.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
