Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
