I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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