either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
