That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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