Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
